My good (well only) friend here is moving back to NYC to work for People magazine. We both started on the same day and became friends like two new girls become friends in kindergarten: Hi, are you new? Yes. Oh me too, do you like crayons? (Or in our case coffee.)
We went out a lot here and tried to discover what it meant to be a Phoenician. We went camping, drinking, hiking. We went to hockey games and baseball games. We bitched about coworkers over bruschetta and the best part is we didn’t know each other long enough to even fight about anything. What is there to fight about when you’re sitting by a pool drinking Sol all day in the sunshine? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
She leaves in a month. Part of me is insanely jealous she’s going to work for People magazine in NYC and live in Brooklyn and have THAT life. And then part of me remembers Eastern winters. And then part of me knows that my life isn’t there right now, it’s here. Or whatever life it is that I’m making for myself. She said someday if I wanted a job, she might be able to find me one. And maybe someday I will. How do you turn down NYC? People magazine?
But there are so many other things stuffed in the equation to think about.
I think what terrifies me now is that, although this is her life that’s about to change, mine will change in the wake. I have to start over again again. I’m friendless in a city full of cool people, people I see all the time out at restaurants and bars, but have no idea how to meet under normal circumstances. You can’t just walk up to people while they’re stuffing their faces with pulled chicken salad mixed with oven dried tomatoes, toasted hazelnuts & herbs topped with avocado, watercress & green goddess goat cheese. That’s for real from a restaurant here and it’s amazing. I’ve tried it. And believe me, you can’t just walk up to someone while they are eating that and say “hey! I have no friends. What are you and YOUR friends doing later? How’s the chicken salad.” because that will NOT get you friends. Being pathetic and needy are not positive things to put on the resume. But I am feeling pathetic and needy and shy and uncomfortable and unconfident. I’m thinking about turning 30 in 1.5 years and realizing no one will throw me a party because, right now at this moment, I have no friends. It’s completely ridiculous because I do have friends they are just far away. And I have Pat. I’m just feeling pathetic and needy and shy and uncomfortable and unconfident. I guess sometimes I wish I had a friend like me. I call and text when I’m supposed to. I’m loyal as fuck. I think about everyone except myself.
Wait… I do have a friend like me. I have me.
But that doesn’t compute. How can we be loyal to ourselves? How can a person breed to think about other people begin to think about herself? How can I lean on me when I feel like there’s nothing to lean on? If I could somehow treat myself the way I treat other people, maybe the part of me that’s missing would grow back?
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