I’m not sure why I’m nervous. It’s not like anyone can see me, but somehow the thought of putting myself out there always makes me a little anxious. I suppose in a way, writing anything is a little nerve-wracking. I have heard that most writers are terrified when they sit down every morning in front of their computers – if not terror, then it’s some sort of uneasiness. I would have to agree with this. Writing is scary – where it can take you emotionally, where it can’t take you emotionally. It’s not a cure-all, a therapist, but it can reveal parts of oneself they are afraid to peek into and writing can reveal these things suddenly and without warning. It’s unchartered waters and explorations into thickly weeded worlds no one can know the expanse of – my mind and my heart.
When I sit down in the morning with my cup of coffee, that I hardly ever finish, I get scared that like that warm drink before me, I’ll never be done. Somehow, I’ll get hit by a truck walking to work; fall down the back stairs carrying a bag of groceries and break my neck; slip in our white porcelain tub and crack my head open. These are morbid and overly dramatic thoughts, I realize, but I think them nonetheless. I suppose I worry that all my wanderings on paper, all my half-written stories, my unfinished poems, my second-draft of a memoir that’s just sitting on my desk, will never be finished. And maybe they never will, but I suppose what’s important is that I’m getting up every morning before work, no matter how tired I am, to write and to keep going. Despite how scary writing can be, in the end it’s like breathing a deep, full, fresh breath. It fills my lungs and my heart and without it I don’t think I would know how to make sense of the world. It’s a honest guide, one that warns me that “hey, there may be dangerous things in there, but I’ll always be here as a light, as your way out. I’ll always show you the way.”
I guess in the end I should be proud of myself – how many people can say they face a fear every day and push through it?
Leave a Reply