Big Sky

I feel slightly anxious suddenly. My heart skips around a lot. It hasn’t done that in a while, but I have owl wings inside – fluttering. It’s not skipping now, but if I think about the feeling long and hard enough I could make it, maybe.

When I was in high school the skipping was so bad I thought my heart would pass out on me. They hooked suction cups to my chest. An older woman saw my small breasts and I looked away from her and them. I had a squid attached to me all night recording my heart beat. I had to press a button whenever I felt it flutter. It was an arcade game, a hearing test with high pitch chirps. I felt electronic.

There was nothing wrong physically. All the walls were in tact. No more chocolate, they told me. No more caffeine. Pssh. I listened for 3 months maybe. But who can go without chocolate or caffeine.

But I know now the origin of the flutter. I get anxious whenever I feel trapped. I thought of my heart in a cage of ribs. It was telling me to get out and I couldn’t. I couldn’t set myself free until the blessed 18th year where you’re somehow, for some reason considered an adult.

I went to Montana. The open of the open places. And I took her out, flopping, jumping like a small bird wet from its shell, placed her in my hands, lifted her up and I cast her out in what they call Big Sky.