I’m not sure if I want to run away or stay completely still. It seems to be one of those days – neither here nor there, a chair in the corner in shadows – a little sunlight on the arms. I feel selfish and despondent and lonely and like crying and why? Today is not much different than yesterday. It’s a typical fall day, the leaves keep piling up on the lawn and I keep looking at them. The squirrels keep digging in the dirt hiding peanuts. It makes me wonder if I can remember where all my treasures are hidden. pat said once they can remember over 100 places where they’ve left things. When i was ripping up the beds a few weeks ago to plant my bulbs for the winter for the spring, I came across a peanut. It didn’t dawn on me at the time that some squirrel had taken the time to hide it there. I threw it over the fence. I hope he found it again or moved on to the next one. I hope he didn’t doubt his memory.
I help coach U-8 co-ed soccer. It’s the last game today. Sometimes the kids make me feel better, sometimes I feel very quiet around them and I feel worse. But it’s fun to run around with them in practice. It makes me feel good at things.
I think after the game I will go to the store, get things for the coming week. We plan to make a lot of soup. And then I think I’ll try to make pumpkin bread, maybe carve my pumpkins on the front porch, hope the damn kids who walk the street at night don’t smash them on the sidewalk. If they step foot on my porch I’ll kill ’em.
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