What could have happened on the way to Starbucks

The conversation that happened:

“Hi. Excuse me.” (Kinda cute, tall black man in a green polo shirt with keys around his neck) “I’m really hungry. Do you have any money on you?”

“No, I’m sorry. I don’t. ($5 and a Starbucks card in my back pocket)

“Oh, OK… Do you like movies?”

(laugh) “Who doesn’t like movies?”

“Right.” (laughs) “Do you want to catch one?”

“Right now?” (10:42 am. Point to the badge around your neck) “I have work!”

“Well after than?”

“No, man. I’m good”

(mumbles mumbles away from me)

The conversation I had with myself after the conversation happened:

“Hi. Excuse me. I’m really hungry. Do you have any money?”

“Yeah, I have $5 and a Starbucks card, but you don’t look nearly destitute enough for me to give you anything. Next time, look more homeless.”

“Right. OK” (follows me) “Do you like movies?”

“Do you like music? Or eating? Or breathing? Breathing is the best. I love the gaspy kind of breathing, it’s so exciting, dangerous almost like eating those poisonous blowfish in Japan.” (Pause. Doesn’t understand sarcasm. Looks confused.) “Of course I like movies, who doesn’t like movies?”

“Well, do you wanna catch one?”

“oh Jesus. You mean ‘Do I want to take myself to the movies, buy a strange man a ticket and sit next to him in the dark today?’ Clearly you’re not buying shit. You just asked me for food money. No, I’m good, man. I have a job that usually happens during the day.”

“Well how about after?”

“You mean ‘Do I want to take myself to the movies, buy a strange man a ticket and sit next to him in the dark tonight?’ No, I have a girlfriend.” (Cause that’s the best thing you can say to a guy who won’t leave you alone. No hope. Stick the knife in.) “I’m going to go home, eat some blowfish, hope it’s prepared properly and then take my imaginary girlfriend, the one I just invented to get away from you, to the movies. I hear The Conjuring is really scary. I’ll probably buy her popcorn with the $5 I didn’t give to the most unconvincing homeless person I’ve ever met.”

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2 Responses to What could have happened on the way to Starbucks

  1. LtoTheJ says:

    HAHAHAHAHA!! Hey, it’s better than that one time when you borrowed my engagement ring to get a guy to leave you alone. Remember THAT time?!?!?

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