Well this sucks

First Day!

First Day!

Sleepy Jack

Jack's first Christmas

Jack Aviator

Mom and Jack

I’m here again. Sitting at work and thinking about my little boy in some lady named Jacki’s arms. It’s strange to have my computer exactly as it was when I left it: the same internet windows popped open like the day I left – radio lab and the Goomba Mushroom Super Mario costume I ordered before Jack was even born. Before we knew it was Jack. It just doesn’t seem right, this world.
It will be good to be creative again, to give myself that space to be creative. At home, I’d feed him and look at the clock and it was already 1PM and you’d wonder where the day went. That’s how 3 months can go by so quickly. Damn.
Last night in bed as I was nursing him, I thought: is this what parenthood is? Mourning the days already gone and so excited for the days to come? In a constant state of flux?
It’s so quiet at work. Like no one works here anymore. It’s 10:30 and I’m the only designer here and I’ve been here for an hour and a half already, already pumped my first pumps in the drab room tucked off the 8th floor bathroom and how lovely it is to hear people pooping while I’m extracting my baby’s food. Headphones next time? I watched a couple videos of him and even those he seems so much smaller than he is now.
My little man. I think I’ll always miss him – who he was. I’m so looking forward to who he will become though. He’s the happiest, sweetest guy and I know he’ll be the most popular kiddo there and everyone will love him because it’s impossible not to. I know I’m his mom and I have to say stuff like that and then say stuff like I this, but he really is the best baby. He’s so calm, so aware, so goofy and loving and has mismatched ears and the most ridiculous laugh. It seems so wrong that someone else gets to see him more than I do during the day.
I am lucky though. I get to work from home Monday/Tuesday, so we’ll get 4 days together and 4 is more than the 3 he’ll be at daycare.

I’ve been seriously absent from blogging, from writing in general. The other night I wrote a poem in my head and thought – shit, it’s still there! But I didn’t write it down, it wasn’t worth it really and now I’m here and hopefully I’ll document his life a little more now.
We had a lot of trouble breastfeeding. Jack had a tongue and lip tie that went undiagnosed for two months, so we spent the last month revising with procedures and CST/Chiropractic work to untangle the cobweb it created in his body (along with his torticollis). My breasts are just starting to heal.

I wrote our tongue-tie story here:

The lactation consultant and chiropractor we have been working with have changed our lives. They have been so passionate about these babies, awareness, helping them thrive. Jack never had issues gaining weight, but they saved our breastfeeding relationship and I will be forever grateful for that. I’m so lucky I found them. I know they’ve changed Jack’s life, helped him start on the right foot.

I suppose I should think about actually working at work. And fairly soon I’ll have to pump again. That room seriously needs some art. Maybe that will be my project in the near future.
It’s all for you, Jack.

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4 Responses to Well this sucks

  1. Angella says:

    Oh my darling Rachel, could he be any more beautiful?! So happy and open and already fully engaged with the world. I know you are a wonderful mother. It’s so hard to go back to work but those two days at home will make all the difference. It’s a perfect balance really. I was lucky enough to have the same schedule with my daughter and I think its why she was such a calm happy baby. Or maybe its just personality!

    This:

    “Is this what parenthood is? Mourning the days already gone and so excited for the days to come? In a constant state of flux?”

    In a word, yes. The best adventure EVER.

    • rachelvb says:

      Thank you, Angella! It feels good to be back, although my creative muscles are a little rusty. Hopefully, I’ll get back in the swing quickly. I just hope he knows we are coming back! I know it will be so good for his socialization and being an independent little man in the world, so knowing that helps, but damn. It doesn’t feel right!
      I’m so glad you got time at home with your daughter. She is indeed an amazing woman! Jack is so so calm and happy, so I think he will adjust well. Pat went to visit him for lunch and he already pooped through an outfit, so I think he’s settling in just fine! haha.
      Parenthood so far is quite the adventure. Being a mom feels really natural for me, I’m glad for that. I mean he makes it so easy! Minus the not sleeping part 😉

  2. Ms. Moon says:

    This is all wonderful and as Angella said- what a gorgeous, aware, beautiful boy you have! I’m so glad you got the tongue-tie thing figured out. How brave you were, how well you know your body and your baby!
    May the adventure continue! Oh, it will. Yes.

    • rachelvb says:

      Mary, I knew that no one would breastfeed if it hurt that bad after so long! Something had to be up. An adventure it is! Day 2 back in the office and the pumping is already old, but at least it forces me to take a break … or 4 during the day. It was easier to drop him off today, but still going to the car alone without him is hard. I definitely feel his absence during the day. We shall adjust. xoxo

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