To the couch

I have an appointment today I’m a little nervous about. The kind where you sit with someone and they stare at you and you have to talk about your feelings. I’m worried she’ll turn me away and say there’s nothing wrong with you, I can’t help you, find someone else. I’m worried about getting to know her and having to say everything all over again. Talking alone about things can be enough for me, but to have to say it ALL over again just feels exhausting. I’m so bad at the getting to know you, the awkwardness of it all, the how will two people click and weave against each other. I’ve already planned the things I’m going to say which won’t even matter when I get there because I can’t really know anyway what I’ll say or what she’ll say. I’m feeling overly transparent today and thin-skinned.

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2 Responses to To the couch

  1. I may have reached the point at which I am no longer able or willing to tell the story, THAT story, but I have been doing it for a very long time. The “not again?” feeling will lift, I believe. The first visit to one of those rooms…I hope you’re taking all your champions with you in spirit or as tiny effigies in your pocket. xo

    • rachvb says:

      No need to say more than you are willing. I haven’t been in 11 years, not since I was 15. A lot has changed since then I would say. it was a hard one, one where you have to say everything everything everything because it’s the first one. I felt good after I left and then heavy like holy shit why did I wait so long and I’m one hot mess, but I think that’s normal. I think things are mostly tangled and just need to be unknotted. I took myself today. Which is pretty damn good, but I think all tangled up in there are my champions and effigies.
      Thank you, Marylinn.

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