whatever you are looking for

“Whatever you’re looking for in other people, you already have in yourself.”

My dear friend said this to me last night at a smoky bar called the saloon. The building is 96 years old, deep dark wood. Green and yellow hues. It’s an old mining bar with a piss trough built right into the floor running along the underside of the bar. They don’t let you piss in it anymore for good reason, but despite what it was, it’s oddly beautiful now. Teal and white tiles laid out like small shells. I’m not sure why anyone would pee there in the first place? Pure laziness. I suppose people were less concerned with bodily privacy in those days.

My friend was smoking a cigarette. I was drinking a Guinness. She said it about 5 times, so I knew it was important, I knew I needed to hear her, I knew it was something I need to marinate in for a long time. It made me wonder what exactly I am looking for in other people? Maybe if I knew I’d be able to help myself a little more? Maybe I’d be able to figure out my mysteries? Maybe I wouldn’t feel so small and childlike in times when I need to be stronger?

This morning my purse smells like bar and my mouth tastes like bar and my friend is moving back to Texas in 4 1/2 days. I’ve been fully aware of this fact and keep pushing it back and pushing it back because I don’t want to think about her move until the actual moment I see her leave. Even writing this I feel like locking myself in a bathroom stall and crying.

But I’m proud of her for leaving, for having the courage to start anew. So many people accept their lives as they are, absorbing the bad until their skin loosens and they don’t fit in themselves anymore. She’s molding back into her skin, she’s rewriting her story, she’s changing her life and as a result it has changed mine, it will change mine.

I was listening to an interview yesterday about spirituality – from a German man named Thomas Hubl. He asked the question: How would the world function (be different/change) if everyone were transparent to each other? What would happen if all of our shadows were turned inside out into the light?

He said that we all have a deep need and desire to be seen.  And when that connection is made and we see people at their cores, it becomes the most intimate act of two people.

So why do we build our armor up so much? What are we all scared of? “As long as I can’t see the world through your eyes, I can’t meet you. Really meet you.” He said. And isn’t that what we all want? To be met on our own plains, our own planets? To have someone say deep down in our black space – I know you and I love you.

When we hide I find we are hiding from ourselves. Mostly the people who know us – really know us – can pinpoint when we’re hiding. They see us, they see our insecurities, our fears, our movements and when we get scared we turn away from these mirror people because of what they might tell us about ourselves. And so I wonder what the point of hiding is if all the world can see me anyway? Suddenly my shadows are no longer my shadows. I wonder if this practice is as easy as it feels in my mind? I have all the tools – like my friend said I have it inside me already. I just need to look under more veins and not be afraid of what’s unknown, not be afraid of being open. Hubl said our shadows filter life as it is honestly meant to be seen. My own insecurities will judge how I see someone else and how I see their life. And I believe it’s my job to see life as openly as I can without all these filters. I’ll do my best. In the meantime – I love you Linds. You’re making a beautiful life.

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