Yesterday, when I woke up I felt something new stirring. But I have no idea what. A promise from a dream, maybe it was the dream itself and in fact nothing new is happening yet? That can’t be entirely true. Whether we know it or not, new things are happening all the time aren’t they? It’s the nature of time, I think.
On Saturday, I’m starting a poetry boot camp for myself. I’m going to feel stupid. I’m going to be embarrassed. I’m going to fail a lot and write shitty things and that’s just the way things go. I have to be less afraid of letting someone teach me. This wasn’t the new feeling I had yesterday, but it fits. The feeling was more a horizon, less an event.
I’m so tired today. Pat and I have been going to the gym and my lower half feels like it’s been ripped and taped back together. I’m walking with strings. We played a decent game of racquet ball yesterday – a real game – and pat beat me 11-3. I have A LOT of room for improvement… And tonight we are taking a session from a personal trainer, something we will be doing once a week god help us we are going to die. But at least after the beating, I can curl up on my couch in my fleece and watch Battlestar Galactica on Netflix without guilt.
Is it sick that it makes me feel better, less alone knowing other writers struggle most of their careers? It makes me keep going, that’s for sure. I mean it sucks that that’s the nature of the beast, that artists struggle; That they are poor and no one appreciates them as much as the world should.
Maybe it’s not my time yet? Maybe I’ll be saying that my whole life?
I think what’s exhausting is watching people younger than me get what they want, fulfill their dreams or at least have a taste of them. On Saturday, before playoff football, NBC or whatever channel it was, was playing a high School all star game on TV. These kids were playing in a huge stadium with national attention, being pursued by top colleges, treated like rock stars all before the age of 18. Honestly, it was kind of sick to watch. No wonder so many of these kids turn out to be arrogant athletes who get away with murder. Why wouldn’t they feel like they could do anything?! The world kneels before them. It aggravated me – that these kids get all this success spoon fed to them. Sure, they have natural talent and I’m sure they’ve had to work hard, but shit!
I guess the justice in the world is that their careers last until they are 35 years old. I can write my entire life. Suck it, Tony Romo.
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