I should be packing and making salvation army runs and notifying electric companies of our eminent departure, but instead I slept in until 10:30 and I made a cup of Maui coffee that was too expensive, but brought home anyway. Pots and pans are piled on the kitchen floor – what if I need the mid-sized frying pan for dinner this week? YOU CAN SURVIVE WITH ONE.
I’m stalling, I suppose. I have two weeks left at work and then I’m leaving this place forever. yes, I already know I’m coming back next June for a wedding, but I’m leaving this life, the coffee cup resting on the edge of the table, the morning church bells, the heavy traffic rumbling by my window. These things will exist even without me here and someone else will hear them.
Last night in bed, I held Pat’s warm skin and felt in him my life. I don’t usually like to feel that way, that one person makes or breaks my life and I know at the core that I am responsible for myself and the choices I make, but it was calming to feel his body holding my future. His spine lit up like white highway lines. His chest swelled and fell with our experiences, memories, mistakes, laughter – I knew or felt that I was making the right choice for us.
Going to Maui, I immersed myself in family and for the first time in a few years, I felt like I belonged somewhere. I wasn’t clinging to kin that would never claim me as their own. I wasn’t intruding. I wasn’t being pitied on holidays and partially adopted. I was right and wanted and expected. I was taken care of without guilt of reciprocity. I didn’t need to bring a fruit salad or case of beer out of obligation. I felt comfortable – imagine that?! And coming “home,” back to this place where my time is limited, the Maui high slowly wearing off, I know the calm feeling surrounding my heart, the clean slate means that no matter how much of my life in Phoenix is unknown, I’m doing the right thing by plugging my nose and plunging in.
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