Happy 3 months, Jack

Jack 2 months

Jack 2 months

Jack 3 months

Jack 3 months

Night feels like limbo, some strange net where the hours hang. Pat and I are floating birds, the way they hang in a drift. There is no other person on the planet I would wake up for as much as our little man.
He’s 3 months old today and it’s hard to put a baby to sleep when he’s staring into your eyes, clearly tired, but giggles through his pacifier, which makes you giggle which makes us both giggle. Fuck sleep. I’ll take that any hour. And he gives smiles so freely, even at 1 am, then 4 am.
I guess I forgot to post his 2 month picture. My mom says he already has a little boy face. Here is his 2 months description: Case study of a laugh. Happy 2 months, Jack! He loves to eat, laughs every time dad changes him (sucker); smiles constantly; hates the car, but who would want to be strapped down anyway; loves the sound of water; could take or leave bathing; and just slept for 5.5 hrs last night. Jack for the win.

And his 3 month description: Anatomy of grabby hands: 3 months old! It takes mom 35 min of rocking me to go to sleep. I then sleep for 35 min. I think that’s fair. I love giggling, kicking and desperately want to crawl. The car seat is getting better cause I can look out the window while I shove my hands in my mouth. I get lots of toe jam. Nico is my bff in daycare, but I know in my heart the teacher loves me more.

I thought I was tired before, but working from home and having Jack is a whole other level. He just went down for a nap and after giggling, we both stared at each other until he fell asleep. I’m grateful work is letting me do this from home a couple days. I’d miss things like that. You can’t get that stuff back. I mean, I brushed my teeth this morning, so that’s pretty good. The sun has been napping on and off today. Things are as they should be.

Posted in Jack, Photos, Uncategorized, When the sun shines inside | 4 Comments

Well this sucks

First Day!

First Day!

Sleepy Jack

Jack's first Christmas

Jack Aviator

Mom and Jack

I’m here again. Sitting at work and thinking about my little boy in some lady named Jacki’s arms. It’s strange to have my computer exactly as it was when I left it: the same internet windows popped open like the day I left – radio lab and the Goomba Mushroom Super Mario costume I ordered before Jack was even born. Before we knew it was Jack. It just doesn’t seem right, this world.
It will be good to be creative again, to give myself that space to be creative. At home, I’d feed him and look at the clock and it was already 1PM and you’d wonder where the day went. That’s how 3 months can go by so quickly. Damn.
Last night in bed as I was nursing him, I thought: is this what parenthood is? Mourning the days already gone and so excited for the days to come? In a constant state of flux?
It’s so quiet at work. Like no one works here anymore. It’s 10:30 and I’m the only designer here and I’ve been here for an hour and a half already, already pumped my first pumps in the drab room tucked off the 8th floor bathroom and how lovely it is to hear people pooping while I’m extracting my baby’s food. Headphones next time? I watched a couple videos of him and even those he seems so much smaller than he is now.
My little man. I think I’ll always miss him – who he was. I’m so looking forward to who he will become though. He’s the happiest, sweetest guy and I know he’ll be the most popular kiddo there and everyone will love him because it’s impossible not to. I know I’m his mom and I have to say stuff like that and then say stuff like I this, but he really is the best baby. He’s so calm, so aware, so goofy and loving and has mismatched ears and the most ridiculous laugh. It seems so wrong that someone else gets to see him more than I do during the day.
I am lucky though. I get to work from home Monday/Tuesday, so we’ll get 4 days together and 4 is more than the 3 he’ll be at daycare.

I’ve been seriously absent from blogging, from writing in general. The other night I wrote a poem in my head and thought – shit, it’s still there! But I didn’t write it down, it wasn’t worth it really and now I’m here and hopefully I’ll document his life a little more now.
We had a lot of trouble breastfeeding. Jack had a tongue and lip tie that went undiagnosed for two months, so we spent the last month revising with procedures and CST/Chiropractic work to untangle the cobweb it created in his body (along with his torticollis). My breasts are just starting to heal.

I wrote our tongue-tie story here:

The lactation consultant and chiropractor we have been working with have changed our lives. They have been so passionate about these babies, awareness, helping them thrive. Jack never had issues gaining weight, but they saved our breastfeeding relationship and I will be forever grateful for that. I’m so lucky I found them. I know they’ve changed Jack’s life, helped him start on the right foot.

I suppose I should think about actually working at work. And fairly soon I’ll have to pump again. That room seriously needs some art. Maybe that will be my project in the near future.
It’s all for you, Jack.

Posted in Jack, Photos, Uncategorized, When the sun shines inside | 4 Comments

Quick! While he’s sleeping

God, it’s been a month. How did that happen?! He’s a love. The best baby we could have asked for. He loves fleece upon fleece, hates to be cold – a true AZ boy. He loves to smile and fart and thinks it’s hilarious when he pees on his Dad. We’ve gone a ton of places with him already: brunches, walks, doctors appointments, mom groups, work visit, Target and then Target and then Target again. He has a cold already =( But he won’t let that stop him from sleeping or smiling or being his delightful self.

We went to the doctor yesterday and he’s 9lbs 13oz. Breastfeeding has been insanely hard for me, but he’s eating well and gaining weight, so there’s that – yay, Jack! And it seems we are getting over that painful hump.

I still want to write our birth story at some point, but I need to enroll in health care and he might wake up soon.

Here’s a bunch of pictures and a couple videos from last night. What kid likes to have his snot sucked? Jack!

IMG_5648
IMG_5650

jack2

Jill McNamara Photography

Jill McNamara Photography

Jill McNamara Photography

Jill McNamara Photography

Jill McNamara Photography

Jill McNamara Photography

Jill McNamara Photography

Jill McNamara Photography

Jill McNamara Photography

Jill McNamara Photography

Jill McNamara Photography

Jill McNamara Photography

jackonemonth

Posted in Photos, Uncategorized, Videos, When the sun shines inside | 9 Comments

Jack

I’ve been trying to do this post for a few days, but can’t upload photos from my phone for some reason.
I’ll update this with a few things I want to remember from the last few surreal days.
Jack Michael O’Farrell was born on Monday, October 13 2014 at 2:22am. He weighed 8lbs 10oz and is 20.5 in long.
He is perfect. The days are running together. Everything is new and as it should be. I can’t believe he is here and that he is ours. But then again, when I look at him and remember the unknown being in my belly, of course it was him in there. Of course it was him.

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Posted in Uncategorized, wandering mind, When the sun shines inside | 4 Comments

Still waiting. Still walking

Today is my last day at work. The only thing I can equate it to is the last day of school, but with bills and adulthood and, like, still having to face labor and not getting to sleep in.
Yesterday, I went to the doctor and I’m already 4cm and I haven’t had to do anything (other than make a baby the last 9 months), but she said some women would kill to be 4cm to start. My belly is a little sore today. Gross things are happening. Pregnancy is just gross and the gross names they give to different occurrences don’t help: mucus plug, bloody show, colostrum, meconium… I could go on. But I won’t because it’s gross.
I was getting anxious and now I’m just being patient. A few nights ago, I woke up at 4 in the morning paranoid that the baby wasn’t moving and I’d gotten this far and something horrible would happen and how awful it is for women who carry their children and have to labor a still born baby. Seriously, this is what 4am does to people. This is why I hate 4 am. It has no business existing in the time line. Baby O has never moved a whole lot at night. I think he/she sleeps when I sleep. There was absolutely no reason I needed to worry, but I did and so I poked my belly until I woke the baby up. Completely. Not just a little bump, but I woke the baby up to where it was kicking me in the ribs again and punching my cervix. And then I couldn’t sleep because I woke the baby up. And then I had to pee. And then I was starving and had to eat a snack.
I’m actually not anxious anymore. I’m going to keep walking. Today is my last day of work and I’ll get to nest a little (maybe) and pick up the apartment. My mom said when she was in labor with me (or maybe a few days before, I’m not sure) she was painting their house. Yup. That sounds about right. That sounds like my mom.

Posted in Uncategorized, wandering mind | 5 Comments

36-39 Weeks

We did a lot of exciting things today like: our 9 month appointment, dilation check, weight check (30lbs baby!); saw Pat's office for the first time; hospital tour for the big day, but these, these take the cake. You're welcome, Baby O! #36weeks #cravings

We did a lot of exciting things today like: our 9 month appointment, dilation check, weight check (30lbs baby!); saw Pat’s office for the first time; hospital tour for the big day, but these, these take the cake. You’re welcome, Baby O! #36weeks #cravings

Crap, I forgot to bring my sweater to breastfeeding class. I'll get used to forgetting things... #37weeks officially full-term. Now it's up to Baby O!

Crap, I forgot to bring my sweater to breastfeeding class. I’ll get used to forgetting things… #37weeks officially full-term. Now it’s up to Baby O!

Gaining 3lbs in a week has nothing to do with what's in this picture. C'mon, Baby O! There's only so much I can bakeat. #38weeks

Gaining 3lbs in a week has nothing to do with what’s in this picture. C’mon, Baby O! There’s only so much I can bakeat. #38weeks

4am snack means really awesome morning breath. For those wondering, the belly has overtaken the sweater. It will not be making anymore public appearances. #39weeks #pleasebethelastweek #letsgobabyo

4am snack means really awesome morning breath. For those wondering, the belly has overtaken the sweater. It will not be making anymore public appearances. #39weeks #pleasebethelastweek #letsgobabyo

Slow news day. Things are happening, slowly, which my mom says is a good thing. Rationally, I agree with her. I wonder what in the baby’s mind flips the switch? Nature is weird, man. Why all of the sudden does the lightbulb turn on and it’s time for the baby to peace out? I have an appointment on Thursday, but whatever they tell me won’t mean much as far as when the baby will decide to flip the switch. Honestly, I just don’t want to be at work anymore =) No, that’s not true. I want to meet our baby, this little person that’s been digging it’s foot under my ribs for the past 3 months.
The good news, is this is my last week of work. YESSSSSSSSSSS.
I’m not that scared about the labor anymore. I’m more ready than anything. I read a good paragraph in a breast feeding book that said labor is just that – labor. It’s not injury pain, it’s the kind of pain athletes get when they are climbing mountains or using their muscles to the max. And the thing about the body is that it knows when you need a rest. In your mind, it might not feel like that, but your body isn’t going to break itself. I’ve had that athletic pain before. I know what that’s like. I’ve climbed and descended a 12,600 ft mountain for 8 hours with false peaks and I expect labor to be much harder than that, but the thing about Mt. Humphrey’s is Pat was right there leading me the whole time. Maybe it was my competitive nature that didn’t want him to beat me? Maybe it was companionship? Whatever it was, I followed him up that goddamned mountain, almost in tears, my lungs about to explode, with the most intense feeling of bodily exasperation I had ever experienced. But the top, the view. Oh man. The ridge of the Grand Canyon hiding to the North, Sedona red rocks glowing to the South, Flagstaff cradled into the mountains below us … and then the sinking realization that “shit, we have to climb back down” … at least with the baby, once we reach the top, we reach the top.

Posted in Photos, Uncategorized, wandering mind | 6 Comments

Backseat driver Ellen

‘Cause it’s only Wednesday and feels like at least Thursday or Friday and Ellen is just funny.

Posted in Uncategorized, Videos | 2 Comments

Willing fall

I’m going to relish the next few weeks. The baby and I will never be this close again. I heard on Radiolab that fetal cells remain in their mothers for decades. Of course they do, how can you be that attached to a person and not have some spillover? 3 weeks after waiting 37 is nothing. The days seems to fly. I feel like I’m getting ready for bed constantly, like that’s all I do anymore. I’ve totally checked out at work, but I’m told I’m still doing good work, so that’s something. How do you prepare for what they say is the hardest physical experience you’ll ever have? Or the most blessed experience you’ll ever have? I can’t dwell on the “labor” of the labor too much. I have a positive stream in my mind and I’m going to run that until it happens. Seeing the labor room in the hospital made it real, though. The room, not even looking like a hospital room, overlooked the parking lot. It had peach and earthy tones. It had wi-fi and cable. The room was pretty nice actually, it was the bed I kept staring at. The bed, they said, broke apart when it was time to deliver … when shit got real. I’m trying not to think so hard about it or worry that I don’t know how it’s going to feel and thus can’t prepare properly. I’m going to let my body do what it’s been doing this entire pregnancy, unbeknownst to my conscious, analytical mind, it’s been making this baby and damn well and it will deliver it too. I just need to get out of the way.
People keep saying it’s a boy. Part of me hopes it’s a girl just to prove everybody wrong, but I would love a boy. I love whoever it is already. Today the doctor said it’s definitely going to like fruit because it’s heartbeat was getting a work out from my breakfast. Strawberries. It likes strawberries and if my cravings are any indications, it really really likes chocolate chip cookies. It might have Pat’s sweet tooth.
People also keep asking me if I’m ready. Well, yeah, but it’s not really up to me! I’ll be ready when the baby is ready, although part of me hopes the baby decides to come in October. I like that month for it. I like the idea of a fall baby. Even though, technically, today is fall, it’s 102 today. October, there’s at least a small teeny tiny chance it will be cooler. Maybe only in my body do I feel fall, but I’m willing it to come. These kinds of changes are good for us. No one likes to sit too long in one temperament.

Posted in seasons, Uncategorized, wandering mind | 6 Comments

Maternity photos (3-ish weeks to go)

Last weekend really really really early in the morning, we took our maternity photos with a co-worker of mine, Jill McNamara. Jill is also doing our newborn photos, so we have more photo shoots to look forward to and more importantly, the, uh, baby! Jill added a few other photos to her website here if you want to take a look at them. But here are some of my favorites.
As far as baby updates, I’m still 2cm with a whole lot of head down there. Had my 37 week appointment today and everything looks great and kiddo can come any time now. I’ve told it it has to wait at least until Sept. 29 because Pat’s cousin Kara is going to be in the delivery room with us and she’s getting back from a conference that day. My boss keeps telling it, it can’t come before Oct 13. I think it will come early, but what do I know. Our bag is packed, car seats installed, breast pump waiting in the apartment office (thanks Obama), relaxing play-list created, hospital tour complete. I mean, we’re ready! Tonight, we are taking a breastfeeding class and I guess that’s more important than sitting on the couch binge-watching The Blacklist on Netflix, but only by a little. It’s hard getting out of bed these days … literally hard to pull myself up. Pat instinctively holds out an arm. Good man. I wish I could roll into the water each day like a seal and be merrily on my way. Damn gravity.

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara

Copyright: Jill McNamara Quilt made by my mom - Grandma D; Jackalope made by me =)

Copyright: Jill McNamara
Quilt made by my mom – Grandma D; Jackalope made by me =)

Copyright: Jill McNamara Quilt made by my mom - Grandma D; Jackalope made by me =)

Copyright: Jill McNamara
Quilt made by my mom – Grandma D; Jackalope made by me =)

Posted in Photos, Uncategorized, When the sun shines inside | 4 Comments

5 weeks (ish) to go

I’m going to the doctor every week now. Things are winding down/gearing up all at the same time. The baby’s head is down – at a -1 station which means that … it’s down. haha. It goes from -5 (where the head is above the pelvis to a 5 where the head is basically out (born baby born). I’m 1-2 cm, but closer to 2cm dilated and 50% effaced. What does any of that mean about when the baby will be born? Nothing! It will come when it wants to come, but I guess good that it’s low and wanting to come. It’s getting harder to move around, but I still managed the gym last night. I figure if I’m going to be in labor for god knows how long, I better be in shape still.
This is our bubbs from a few weeks ago, chubby and all:

Baby O 33 weeks

Baby O 33 weeks

I talked to my OB yesterday and she’s on board with our birth plan, but still in doctorly fashion made me feel like sort of an idiot and like I didn’t know what I wanted. I guess it’s the same thing as a client coming in to talk to a designer and having all these ideas and, me, the designer knows what’s practical and what’s not. I get that. But this isn’t a rebranding or a new logo, it’s my body and as long as we’re both on board that nothing will happen to my body without it first going through me and Pat, then we’ll all be good. And I trust it will all be good.

This weekend, we’re doing our maternity photos. A coworker is giving us an awesome deal for maternity and newborn photos, so I’m pretty excited. Only problem is the light is best at really bad times of the day: 6AM or 5-6PM and 5-6 PM in 100 degree weather makes for sweaty photos. So, we’ll be up early on Saturday. And then I’m taking part in this flash mob/light rail reading from 12:30-like 3 or 4, so I’m definitely going to bed at 4:30pm. I’m excited though! I’m reading two poems and part of me wants to be scared about it, but then part of me is like – you’re giving birth in like a month and if you want to be nervous about something, damn … I think you can stand up in front of people and read from a sheet of paper because I’m going to be butt ass naked with my who-ha on display with someone’s head coming out. Poems are the easy part.

Posted in Photos, Uncategorized, Writing Life | 4 Comments
 

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