Willing fall

I’m going to relish the next few weeks. The baby and I will never be this close again. I heard on Radiolab that fetal cells remain in their mothers for decades. Of course they do, how can you be that attached to a person and not have some spillover? 3 weeks after waiting 37 is nothing. The days seems to fly. I feel like I’m getting ready for bed constantly, like that’s all I do anymore. I’ve totally checked out at work, but I’m told I’m still doing good work, so that’s something. How do you prepare for what they say is the hardest physical experience you’ll ever have? Or the most blessed experience you’ll ever have? I can’t dwell on the “labor” of the labor too much. I have a positive stream in my mind and I’m going to run that until it happens. Seeing the labor room in the hospital made it real, though. The room, not even looking like a hospital room, overlooked the parking lot. It had peach and earthy tones. It had wi-fi and cable. The room was pretty nice actually, it was the bed I kept staring at. The bed, they said, broke apart when it was time to deliver … when shit got real. I’m trying not to think so hard about it or worry that I don’t know how it’s going to feel and thus can’t prepare properly. I’m going to let my body do what it’s been doing this entire pregnancy, unbeknownst to my conscious, analytical mind, it’s been making this baby and damn well and it will deliver it too. I just need to get out of the way.
People keep saying it’s a boy. Part of me hopes it’s a girl just to prove everybody wrong, but I would love a boy. I love whoever it is already. Today the doctor said it’s definitely going to like fruit because it’s heartbeat was getting a work out from my breakfast. Strawberries. It likes strawberries and if my cravings are any indications, it really really likes chocolate chip cookies. It might have Pat’s sweet tooth.
People also keep asking me if I’m ready. Well, yeah, but it’s not really up to me! I’ll be ready when the baby is ready, although part of me hopes the baby decides to come in October. I like that month for it. I like the idea of a fall baby. Even though, technically, today is fall, it’s 102 today. October, there’s at least a small teeny tiny chance it will be cooler. Maybe only in my body do I feel fall, but I’m willing it to come. These kinds of changes are good for us. No one likes to sit too long in one temperament.

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6 Responses to Willing fall

  1. Ms. Moon says:

    I’ll never forget how, right after Lily was born (and she was my third so you know, I should have had a clue by then) and Glen and I were in bed and she was lying between us and it was the fulfillment of my dream, you know- finally seeing my baby, being able to hold her, feed her and I was watching Glen looking at her with such wonder and I just started crying. It was all too beautiful and too amazing that this child had lived inside of me for so long and now, here she was.
    Oh golly. You have a lot to look forward to.
    As for labor- you have a good attitude. I suppose if I had one piece of advice, it would be to not be afraid of the pain. Don’t be afraid.

    • rachelvb says:

      This made me a little teary, Mary! Yeah, it’s one thing to feel the baby jam a heel into your ribs and another to actually hold it against you. I’ve gotten so used to it squirming around inside me that I sometimes forget we made this little person and our lives haven’t changed yet, but holy shit, it will in an instant. That’s pretty powerful when you think about it. How a person you’ve never even met can do that. I’m entering a place I can’t ever come back from and I don’t mean that in a bad way.
      Thank you for the advice. My books keep saying that it’s one of the only kinds of pain that can’t actually hurt you, if that makes any sense. It’s not going to injure you like a broken bone or a car accident. It’s pain with a purpose and once it’s over it’s over.

    • rachelvb says:

      Rebecca, I had a dream last night it was a boy. Eek! I have heard of women though that dream of their future babies. But I don’t trust my dreams about the sex of the baby – I’ve had dreams where it’s been a girl, too.

  2. Angella says:

    Your body will know what to do. And after your life will be forever changed. And you will understand, among other things, how mind-blowingly much your mother loves you. So excited for you dear Rachel. You are going to be a wonderful mother!

    • rachelvb says:

      Thank you, Angella. =) It will definitely open up an entirely new way of thinking and seeing the world, that’s for sure. I’m excited to join the club of all you wonderful mothers. xoxo

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