What if…?


I think the past two months I’ve been holding my breath, not letting my mind wander too deeply to the “other” being in my body. Make it to 8 weeks, I told myself early. Make it to 12, I said after that. I’ve been living by numbers: week to week; appointment to appointment, not stopping in between to reflect or bond because “what if…?”
About a year ago, we had what was called a “chemical pregnancy” and as it was explained it’s when the egg is fertilized, but doesn’t stick, but you’ll get a positive pregnancy test anyway. We thought I was pregnant for about a week until I wasn’t. They don’t call them miscarriages, really, they happen so often and so many women don’t even notice they are pregnant because of their proximity to an actual period. But it felt like a miscarriage to me. I was bedridden for a whole day, devastated. And then we had another one in October, same thing. I was a little more prepared for that one, but it still stung. The thought enters your mind that something might be wrong with you. Why can’t my body do what it’s supposed to do? But then again our bodies are pretty amazing things and I realized my body was doing its job and those two misses weren’t meant to be our baby.

Yesterday, we hit our 12 week mark, went to the doctor and all along, while I’ve been aware of what’s happening to my body and the baby (like it’s now the size of a plum, is wiggling around and has all it’s organs), after hearing the steady whooshing of its heart, I realized it’s pretty comfortable in there. I knew early on the pregnancy test was the strongest one I’d had compared to the others, they symptoms were steady. I knew this one stuck. But “what if…?”

We have another ultrasound on Friday to check for Down Syndrome and there’s, of course, a little worry, but I’m more excited to see the baby again, see how big it’s gotten from a month ago and given the small bump forming below my stomach I can tell something has happened. But I sang to it for the first time this morning, a song from “Inside Llwelyn Davis” – bluegrass and lovely and simple – and imagined holding it when it meets the world, singing to it again and having it know me through voice alone. We are living and breathing together. I don’t know the words to these songs very well, but by the end I’m sure I’ll know them by heart.


As I was writing this, I found out one of my amazing friends from Pennsylvania is in labor and having her baby today. They’ll know pretty soon if they have a new baby girl or boy. The last month she’s been on this journey with me and I am sending them all my love and what a wonderful day it’s turned out to be. If you need me I’ll be crying under my desk.

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