I’m in a weird place right now. I’m afraid of my writing. Not, boo! afraid, I’m just totally avoiding it. It’s been so long since I sat down to edit a poem, to write a poem. I tried today (tried is an overstatement). I wrote one draft and gave up. It’s been nagging me. The idea that now Jack is here, I need to work on getting some of my life back. MY LIFE. Not the life I have with him or with Pat, but my things, my loves, my wants. Do I even love poetry anymore? I’m scared that I give up too easily, that I have no confidence and how can you keep getting rejected without the confidence to keep going? I feel like a failed writer. I can’t even call myself a writer these days, that would imply the act was being acted upon.
I took this kind of break after college or maybe the last year of college. I just didn’t write a whole lot. Maybe that’s my thing every so often – to step back and reevaluate what it is I want to be doing, detach enough to dive back in. And then I worry of all the growth I’ve missed in the time I’ve been away. I’d be so farther along, I tell myself, if I just stuck with it.
I think a part of me has needed to detach from the logistics of writing – the people I feel baring down telling me I’m not good enough (wait, what people? ME.), the rejections which are an inevitable part and because of all these extraneous things, writing stopped being for me. So I’m waiting until I can own it again. I’m waiting until I feel itchy without it. I think it’s starting to happen. The anxiety is coming back. I just, fuck, can’t get the doubt out of my head, the voice that says – be a designer instead, you’re good at that, you have support in that. Being a writer without a support system is hard a fuck. Strange that some parts of me have completely changed (Holy shit, I’m a mom) and others haven’t one bit.

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6 Responses to Scratch

  1. Ms. Moon says:

    To everything, my dear, there is a season. You won’t be able to quit writing. Trust me.

    • rachelvb says:

      Thanks, Mary. It will come. It’s just strange to not have it so readily at my fingers. I have to dig a little deeper these days. Maybe when I can sleep more?? haha! ha.

  2. Martha says:

    Rachie, love. It is still there, swaddled carefully. You’ll find it. Right now. your heart is learning Jack.

  3. Angella says:

    Dear Rachel, you’re in a gathering cycle, gathering experiences, most especially the experience of mothering Jack. Just flow with it and don’t worry. The sowing cycle with come around again and the writing will simply burst from you and you will be amazed by how much you gathered when you thought you weren’t being creative. You are a writer. That’s not going anywhere, no matter how long you don’t write. It will return. But honey, there is nothing more gratifying and appealing to you now that mothering Jack. It is as it should be, if we’re lucky. And you and Jack and Pat are lucky that way. Such love. Lord, he is adorable!

    • rachelvb says:

      Yes, Angella, you’re right. I suppose I am gathering even if I feel like I can’t remember ANYTHING. I suppose I worry that I haven’t accomplished what I feel I should have accomplished by now. I need to get that out of my head. It will happen when it’s meant to happen. It still feels weird to think of myself as a mom. It feels like I’m just a keeper for this awesome person, that I’m supposed to make sure he’s safe, but the label “MOM” seems so foreign still! We are so so lucky. Thank you thank you. xoxo

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