Manatees need more friends

My heart’s been rickety in a flood. Splinters. A house rocking around a frame in rising water.

I had stranger than normal dreams. I’m not even sure normal is allowed in the same sentence. I was in bed with my brother and his ex. Nothing was touched, but it was implied. I had a vision of it. My boyfriend, my brother – one in the same. And a woman, neighbor we were fighting with was peering in through the window. She had a yellow dress on. She was a flame and a face spit out of the dark.
And then I was on a broken ship. White painted iron. I seemed to work there, going in and out of doors too small for my body. A co-worker was sitting out on the deck in the night talking to small animals who didn’t respond.

I slept on the edge of my bed as far away from anything as I could be. I slept until my head pounded me awake and then I turned over and slept on the inside of something instead.

This weekend I learned that someone I know gives road head. And now I feel like I know them better.

I’ve met a new friend. I think when you text someone and you are crying and they can’t hear you, but know you are crying anyway – it makes them your friend. And she cries about Manatees. She cried about their looming extinction for 40 min. Not to me, but she told me about it later. And I like that about her. And she also waxed my boyfriend’s upper arm twigs of hair and it made us laugh and I like her for that, too.

I like sometimes how easy connections are. Once I get past the part where I’m afraid to be alone with them, where it doesn’t make me so anxious to think about what we are going to talk about or the strange silences I’m not sure I’ll be able to sit in. There are some people where the shy side of me doesn’t exist for them – they’ve never seen it in me. And I tell them “sometimes I’m shy” like it’s an identity or something I have to apologize for in case it pops up in the future. I’m sorry, I’m dutch. I’m sorry, I burped. I’m sorry I keep apologizing.

When all the world was calling me out, all I could think was “why are you so loud?”

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