Hope, Faith and Fight

As I was falling asleep last night all I could see were the oil spot shadows of the tree limbs through the window screen. The lines have all blurred. There’s wrong, but all the right seems hazy. I’ve needed to be quiet, not silent, but quiet. I know the difference now. But I can’t quite get comfortable in the past couple of days. Forgive me, I’m out of practice.

I hope it rains today. I hope it renews all of this and my plants that are too hot in the sun with their burnt ears. How quickly we are all expected to go back to jobs life has allotted for us. What do you do when someone you love needs help? You stop everything and you find a way. But there is no time to absorb back into the life that was before. There is no going back. For them or you. I even hear church bells calling in the distance. I don’t want them. Thank you, but I worship in other ways. Yes, I know you are there, but I feel in the breeze something better, something that means more to me.

Last night squinting at the black trees I was thinking only of my two best girls and how I wish I could puddy the cracks and hurts with bits of my self and my heart. I wish I could undo everything. I wish I could protect them – I’m a cancer, a crab, my casing strong around the flesh of me – I wish I could place it around them instead.

But they don’t need as much as I want to give them. They don’t need it because they are stronger than most. They are more beautiful than most. they are hope and faith and fight. If I wasn’t so tired I could think of more things they are, but it’s not about me being tired. It’s about being reborn. It’s about growing up in an instant. It’s about life – I’ve heard of this happening. It’s about being prepared and then watching your preparedness have absolutely no merit on what actually transpires. It’s about love and friendship. It’s about falling into a chair, staring at a wall and crying for all the bad things that happen to the ones you love. It’s about embracing them and warming them and bringing them tea and beer and wine and Thai food. It’s about laughing again. It’s about telling the bad parts of the world to go fuck themselves, that we’ll be back and on our feet and ready to kick into existence whatever light we need to find our own way. It’s about running off curbs and dodging cars.

“Your like a sapling hanging off the side of my car.” And then I make a break for it across the street. We grow together now. All of us. We break off and converge again. Our roots are intertwined and breaking into the ground at different speeds, but we’re breaking together, we’re finding a way together. Hope, Faith and Fight: My dear girls, my loves, pick one or all that you want to be today. You were born with all of them. This is not my best and I’m sorry. But I’ve waited and I now hear the rain like the lady upstairs is throwing pebbles on a tin roof. It’s time to get off the balcony and take a shower. What I want you to know is I love.

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5 Responses to Hope, Faith and Fight

  1. Cecilia says:

    I’m breathless, reading this.
    You are beautiful in every way.

  2. rachvb says:

    You are beautiful.

  3. LtotheJ says:

    I love you both so much. Thank you for your beautiful words. Today I choose all three.

  4. It feels as though upheaval and transition are keeping you company, along with what I think is universal uncertainty. Your love shines through. I wish you the quiet you desire.

  5. rachvb says:

    Thank you, Marylinn. It is becoming more quiet, but now I feel out of practice and a little rusty on the writing front. What I wanted to be done by the end of the month may not happen and I’m OK with that. Finding patience and maintaining love. always.

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