Feeders, Mutuals, Calmers

I’ve been dizzy for days. Riding in cars is the worst. I’d drink until I puked, but it’s in my brain, so that wouldn’t help anything especially not my brain. It’s like my eyeballs have displaced somehow. The motion is a continental shift, two frictioning plates moving to opposite poles. I’m only bitching because it’s hard to write when I’m feeling this way – it should go away soon (I’m telling myself this for reassurance – not because you need to know or particularly care). This is a “I woke up and put socks on and then my floor felt cold anyway and so I ate almonds” post.
I’ve been thinking about how certain people are takers, feeders and how I whore myself to them and how some part of me gets a strange satisfaction being needed in such a way. Everyone has feeders in their lives (we can only have a few) but sometimes feeders can give in addictive ways and so we love them and keep them and feel hungry for them. But there are also mutuals and calmers. And they are just as important in our balance. Mutuals are people similar to oneself who don’t feed, but don’t overly give, but them not feeding in a way is them giving. Calmers are fleece blankets. I need all of them. There is no soul mate. This makes perfect sense to me – maybe I’ll explain it better when my eyes reattach to my brain.

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