Enough crumbs make a loaf (or at least something you can smoosh back together)

Have I ever belonged anywhere? If I stayed in California or Montana or Texas or Pennsylvania would I have eventually felt I belonged there? This is a chicken or the egg question. Has my moving and wandering created my sense of displacement or have I always been displaced?
We so obviously have no friends here. Not yet anyway and I keep telling myself it takes time. Remember how long it took in Pennsylvania to feel like a group of people wanted you around? Like you belonged with them drinking beer and playing with their children and meeting their families? It took two years at least, but damn if I don’t want to wait that long.
I’ve met some great people here, don’t get me wrong, but you can’t expect them to automatically claim you as FRIEND and you can’t be over bearing and trail them a starving animal. It’s been hard work to put myself out there, to surround myself with strangers, looking at them and wondering if in the future I’ll know something past surface streets.
It was so much easier where we were. It was easy to stay there. But you remember the good things about a place to screw your mind into thinking you made a mistake in leaving.
Making friends is all about instinct. A blood in the air sort of thing. A breadcrumb you follow into the dark. For now, I’ll trust there’s a reason one crumb came to me on our first day at work, sat next to me and asked if I was a designer too.

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2 Responses to Enough crumbs make a loaf (or at least something you can smoosh back together)

  1. Ms. Moon says:

    I honestly think that friendship is just as much about attraction and chemicals as love is. Which makes sense. A real friendship IS love.
    Well, for me at least. I don’t like “casual” friendships. They don’t make any damn sense to me. And so it’s very hard and I understand and I hope you find some folks you click with soon.

    • rachvb says:

      I think you’re right. There’s so much attraction in friendship. Especially new friendships – you know who you click with and you know who you don’t and it’s the same with love and you have to listen to that. All I have here right now is casual friendship, which I hate, but you have to build relationships. They don’t always just happen. So I have that in the back of my head and I know it takes time, but the time to get there always sucks – in every avenue of life – it just sucks.
      Thank you for coming back. Again and again. xo

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