Big Sky

I feel slightly anxious suddenly. My heart skips around a lot. It hasn’t done that in a while, but I have owl wings inside – fluttering. It’s not skipping now, but if I think about the feeling long and hard enough I could make it, maybe.

When I was in high school the skipping was so bad I thought my heart would pass out on me. They hooked suction cups to my chest. An older woman saw my small breasts and I looked away from her and them. I had a squid attached to me all night recording my heart beat. I had to press a button whenever I felt it flutter. It was an arcade game, a hearing test with high pitch chirps. I felt electronic.

There was nothing wrong physically. All the walls were in tact. No more chocolate, they told me. No more caffeine. Pssh. I listened for 3 months maybe. But who can go without chocolate or caffeine.

But I know now the origin of the flutter. I get anxious whenever I feel trapped. I thought of my heart in a cage of ribs. It was telling me to get out and I couldn’t. I couldn’t set myself free until the blessed 18th year where you’re somehow, for some reason considered an adult.

I went to Montana. The open of the open places. And I took her out, flopping, jumping like a small bird wet from its shell, placed her in my hands, lifted her up and I cast her out in what they call Big Sky.

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2 Responses to Big Sky

  1. That your fluttering heart was freed makes me glad. Mine still reacts to too much adrenalin and beats me up from the inside out. I will just say that aspects of medical science are to be applauded.

  2. rachvb says:

    Mine still beats me up a lot, too. But I remember how bad it was before I was able to move myself in my own directions. That was the worst. It was constant and I’d press my fingers in my neck to see if I was still alive. And then I’d press my fingers to feel it skip.
    Strange how my own body can make itself flutter. When all the physical signs and medicine tells you you are fine, how our emotional selves greatly influence everything.

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